And on the 7th day...

It was the first day of week 2 today. My morning class, Advanced Criminology, went pretty well, but I do feel a bit like the students are unaccustomed to the seminar style. Some of them at least seem engaged, if not really advanced, while others seem utterly disinterested. A lot of drops as well, but I don't find that surprising, as I am making some fairly heavy demands of them. On the other hand, it's a shame that they're not willing to try to stick it out.

I got really nervous about coming into work today. I'm not sure if it's just that the enormity of trying to manage an entire semester has finally settled on me, or I'm going through the pain of relearning what it is like to have a daily schedule and appointments, or just the general worries that having a new job entails. In any case, I've got that I'm-going-to-get-yelled-at feeling, even though I haven't done anything wrong. It reminds me of when I was a kid, and I'd leave some incriminating piece of evidence for some small wrongdoing uncollected. Consciously, I'd be unaware of the mistake, but unconsciously, I'd have a feeling of heavy dread in my guts that would snap into the crystalline panic of realization just at the moment my parents told me they needed to have a talk.

I suppose in some ways, it's the same fear now: the fear of being found out, of being a fraud and getting exposed. The fear, in other words, that I don't belong here and can't hack the job. I suppose that is indeed the fear everyone has at a new job, and that by being proactive and diligent I'll eventually get comfortable and convince myself that I actually am who I am (to borrow a phrase). In any case, I hope it passes quickly.