The First Day

Training all morning. I was really anxious going to bed last night (Sunday night, as it is now the early morning of Tuesday). It's been a long time since I was that wound up going to sleep. But the familiar voices of Stephen Merchant, Karl Pilkington, and Ricky Gervais were nice background noise, and I managed to breathe deeply, and find a sense of calm in knowing that whatever will come of this job, I will always have many other things to keep me happy, not the least of which are Amanda and music.

I had long forgotten, but there was a time when I went to bed with that kind of anxiety evey day. During High School it would come every Sunday, when I knew I would have to leave the freedom and safety of home for the jungle of school the next day. When I knew not what future ending academic catastrophe, or unlooked-for social blunder would humiliate me and provide me with the worst sort of fame. Or in grade school, when I had little understanding of the rules of the social world of children, and often did face embarassment or scorn or, at best, puzzled rejection. It is, without a doubt, a direct result of that long early bout with anxiety which has given me the inner resources I can now claim, not the least of which is the ability to talk myself out of worry as I fall asleep.